Wednesday, 19 October 2016

To the beat

He mesmerizes me. He has a magical aura surrounding him that can capture your soul and melt your heart. Stars flickering in his eyes filling them with passion. The grace with which he moves; his arms swimming in the air, his legs caressing the floor, his soul soaring high and filling the entire place with a sweet summer breeze, the fragrance of a delicate rose and you can feel the softness of silk embracing you.

That’s how he dances.

He dances and the whole world stands still.

He would pass me by like I don’t exist. Not a word, not even eye contact. He was so different. He knew he was special and he knew exactly why I would go after him. Or that’s what he thought.
I’m known for how outgoing and daring I can be, but for some reason I stand helpless in front of him. My entire body becomes numb and I can hardly think straight. He makes me nervous and I don’t like it. I never run after anybody and I never get ignored. He doesn’t know what’s coming. He doesn’t know what he’s dealing with.

When there’s so much going on in your life and your soul is truly tired you always search for that one place where you can find comfort and peace. It’s never easy and it’s rarely satisfying. But, in that place I found, instead of taming the beast inside of me, it breaks loose.

“Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars …” I listen to the sweet melody of the song, let him hold me close and sway me across the room and I drown in my own dreams of love, hate and pain. He feels nothing. Just steps and moves. But for me it’s the state of trance he pulls me into. It’s so beautiful it makes you want to cry.

He raises his arm, holds my hand and spins me round and round away from him and my heart beats faster with every breath I take. I see flashes of his sharp glowing eyes with every whirl and memories flash in my mind with them. It’s like a long sad movie, you are no longer part of it but you can still sense every bit of it deep down your heart. For a moment it becomes so surreal, I can’t really tell whether it’s happening or not, whether I’m dancing with him or I’m just fantasizing.

Spin. He looks me in the eye letting go of my hand. Fear strikes my heart seeing all the goodbyes I had to make. “It’s over” they all lie. Death, heartbreaks and betrayals. It is never over. It is always the beginning. A monstrous version of you feeds on all the pain and bitterness and nurtures the hatred and anger within. A fierce struggle of holding on and letting go that leaves your soul weary and helpless. You keep falling deeper and faster until there’s nowhere left to fall. You are alone in the most crowded places. You are the enemy of your own self. You don’t know who to call, who to run to and you can hardly tell what’s love and what’s not. Emotions lose their meanings. You are like a new born just trying to adjust and live, only you are not a child anymore. You can’t simply bury yourself in your mom’s embrace and cry yourself to sleep knowing that when you wake up it will all be just fine. You come to a moment in your life where you don’t even want anybody to see your tears because you honestly can’t explain, not because you don’t understand but because there are no words that can do your feelings justice, so you better leave your stories untold.

Spin. I see his eyes looking away and his wings flapping changing his posture. I’m terrified; I can’t dance on my own. I want to run and grab on to him. Finding yourself in the middle of the sea, no one to rescue you. I want to run back. I want to hold his hands and never let go. But he’s so into his next dance pose. I should keep spinning. You grow up and carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. So many tears you cry at night and so many silent screams. You can’t go back, you can’t move forward. You are caught between Innocence and sorrow. Hopelessness fills your senses and your vision is distorted. Or is it clearer now? You realize it’s up to you. Only you can take it forward or just surrender. Go back and live all your life in denial and agony or run as fast as you can until you are so out of breath and so tired to even think about it. Something dies in you and you know it. You know it will never come back and you know you are not who you were anymore.

Spin. He’s flying away. Right and left, up and down. I stumble for a second. I’m so conscious and blushing trying to quickly regain my balance. I’m on my own. It’s my time to shine. You can break and die or you can fight, bleed and survive. Pride gnashes my heart. It’s so vicious you can’t ignore it. I’ve never given up and never will. It’s now me against all odds. I will keep on dancing. I will give him the dance of his life.

I come to my final pose. I stand still, just me and him and I can hear thousands and thousands of applauds. It’s like music to my ears. He dances his way to me and wraps his arms around me. It’s so warm and reassuring. I can see through his soul. Innocence and fragility. He was so fragile to even look you in the eye. Yes, he knew he was special, but for all the wrong reasons. He smiles and I can see sunshine and rainbows. It’s so soothing. “Keep on dancing” he whispers in my ears and I can feel my whole world disappears. He’s like my mirror, only an inverted one. I know what he’s been through and I care so much that I want to drink the life out of him before he has to endure all that is yet to come.

I’m sorry and I’m not. I can’t explain and I don’t really have to. This is how it works. I can’t let him go. I can’t let him take in one more breath of this life. I move closer to him and I can feel his heart beating, I can hear his mind and I can touch his soul. Fire burning from inside out, I can feel the hunger eating through my flesh. My blood is rushing through my veins. It’s like a mournful celebration. “You are like a beautiful dream in a world of agony. You are a starry sky for lost souls. Your peacefulness seduces me and your passion ignites my ego.”

I pull out my daggers and thrust them into his soul. I can feel them cutting through his flesh and veins and going all the way straight to his core. Hot tears race down both our faces. They drip down and mingle with his boiling blood. That look, that grace, that beauty. His body becomes weaker and senseless and I hold him tighter. ”I’ll never let go. I promise you. I promise you I will never let go until your last breath. Don’t be scared my angel, you are going where you should be” I softly whisper in his ears. “There’s no space for you and me. You have to leave so I can be.” Now I sway his body all around and spin and fly.

“Fill my heart with song let me sing forever more … “We dance to the beat of our love song. We dance to the beat of our hearts.

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